Apologies vs. Actions

According to this LifeWire report, for many people, a promise never to repeat the offense often constitutes the most important aspect of an apology.

Nick Smith, an assistant professor of philosophy at the University of New Hampshire and author of "I Was Wrong: The Meanings of Apologies," adds:

"The ultimate meaning of apologies, like the meaning of promises, depends on future behavior, and therefore we cannot conclusively judge them at the moment they are spoken."

Playing the blame game or not owning up to one's mistakes are the worst ways to apologize, Smith says. Phrases like "I am sorry that X bothers you" and "I am sorry you feel that way" won't win you any points in the forgiveness department.

Apology Aftermath

The New York Times reports on the reactions and repercussions following the apology by the American military for one of its soldiers using a Quran for target practice.

At issue is what should happen to the offending soldier -- who has personally apologized, and has been relieved of duty and redeployed stateside.

Pres. Bush, apparently feeling that is insufficient punishment to appease the Iraquis, has promised them that the soldier would additionally be criminally prosecuted.

To what extent should an offender's punishment be tailored to satisfy his victims?

If nothing else, there is a lesson here on the force and impact of the actions of one individual.

Medical Apologies

Doctors are among the last to apologize for errors. It's not just their egos that are on the line, but also their wallets that are at stake. But according to this New York Times report, that may be changing:

For decades, malpractice lawyers and insurers have counseled doctors and hospitals to “deny and defend.” Many still warn clients that any admission of fault, or even expression of regret, is likely to invite litigation and imperil careers.

But with providers choking on malpractice costs and consumers demanding action against medical errors, a handful of prominent academic medical centers, like Johns Hopkins and Stanford, are trying a disarming approach.

By promptly disclosing medical errors and offering earnest apologies and fair compensation, they hope to restore integrity to dealings with patients, make it easier to learn from mistakes and dilute anger that often fuels lawsuits.

Some bad news:

Recent studies have found that one of every 100 hospital patients suffers negligent treatment, and that as many as 98,000 die each year as a result. But studies also show that as few as 30 percent of medical errors are disclosed to patients.

But also some good news:

To give doctors comfort, 34 states have enacted laws making apologies for medical errors inadmissible in court... Four states have gone further and protected admissions of culpability. Seven require that patients be notified of serious unanticipated outcomes.

Bottom line: Acknowledging and disclosing error in medical procedures is more likely to lead to errors being corrected -- rather than getting swept under the rug, so to speak, at the patient's peril.

The Necessity of Apology

An American GI in Iraq had used a Quran for target practice. A more insulting, incendiary act against Islam can scarcely be imagined. America's alliance with Sunni militia was severely threatened. The stakes were high. There was only one thing for the American military to do.

They apologized.

As previously noted here, an effective apology must demonstrate recognition that your action caused harm, must offer empathy and acknowledgement of the injustice caused, must accept blame without excuses, must promise not to repeat the harm, and must offer restitution.

Blessedly, Maj. Gen. Jeffery Hammond, commander of U.S. forces in Baghdad, did it properly:

"I am a man of honor, I am a man of character. You have my word, this will never happen again," the general told the angry crowd through loudspeakers, pounding the makeshift podium three times with his fist.

"In the most humble manner, I look in to your eyes today and I say, please forgive me and my soldiers." The act of his sniper was criminal, he said. "I've come to this land to protect you, to support you...this soldier has lost the honor to serve the United States Army and the people of Iraq here in Baghdad."

A Division commander then offered a symbol of restitution:

Holding a new Quran in his hands, [Col. Ted Martin] turned to the crowd. "I hope that you'll accept this humble gift." Martin kissed the Quran and touched it to his forehead as he handed it to the tribal elders.

A local sheikh came to the microphone. "In the name of all the sheikhs," he
said, "we declare we accept the apology that was submitted."

With hands shaken and sheepish thank-yous made, the general and the colonel returned to their armored convoy. The crisis, it seems, was averted.

Never underestimate the power of apology.

Teshuva?

What would you consider unforgivable? If your spouse cheated on you? If your accountant embezzled your entire retirement fund? If an arsonist burned your house to the ground?

How about if someone hacked and clubbed your husband and five kids to death?

CNN's Christiane Amanpour reports on a Rwandan woman whose neighbor decimated her family with "machetes, hoes and wooden clubs." Now she weaves "peace baskets" with his wife, and the three of them regularly share meals, in the very area where the slaughters took place.

Confession. Apology. Understanding. Forgiveness. These are the ingredients of this remarkable tale.

Read it and ponder it the next time you consider holding a grudge.

The Healing Power of Apology

Psychiatrist Aaron Lazare, author of the definitive study "On Apology," defines an effective apology as "the exchange of shame and power between the offender and the offended." It is a tool that can serve mediation participants well, and one that effective mediators should consider in the pursuit of resolution.

What constitutes an effective apology?

Beverly Engel's landmark book "Power of Apology" instructs that a meaningful apology must communicate the three R's: regret, responsibility and remedy. First, you must demonstrate that you recognize that your action (or inaction) caused harm, intentionally or not, and express empathy along with your acknowledgement of the injustice you caused. Second, accept blame, without excuses. Third, offer restitution, or at least a promise to not repeat the harm. "Unless all three of these elements are present," she writes, "the other person will sense that something is missing in your apology and he or she may feel shortchanged."

Psychologist Carl Schneider, a prominent divorce mediator in Maryland, believes, "Apology is central to mediation: mediation regularly involves disputes in which one party feels injured by the other. An apology is an act that is neither about problem-solving or negotiation. Rather, it is a form of ritual exchange where words are spoken that may enable closure. In the language of transformative mediation, apology represents an opportunity for acknowledgement that may transform relations. Most of us recognize its role in victim-offender mediation and community conferencing, but it can play an equally critical role in other forms of mediation, including employment and divorce mediation."

The mediator's role, Schneider argues, is to help people "get past the defensiveness and fear of blame that preclude apology. Apology can not be imposed. Parties often need preparation and help with the words." It is a task made harder by the nature of our jurisprudence system, which instills a real fear of admitting culpability: "The adversary system breeds defensiveness; apology requires vulnerability." He notes that we would do well to adopt aspects of the Japanese legal system, in which "apology plays a major role as a social restorative mechanism."

Lazare's "On Apology" includes fascinating historic examples of potent apologies that shaped and changed the destinies of entire nations. They serve as formidable guidelines for those of us who daily witness and attempt to repair the rifts of conflict.

He writes: "An apology heals because it allows the offending party to:

1 ...Maintain and repair the relationship.
2 ...Validate the offense.
3 ...Reestablish the moral code or social contract with the offended party.
4 ...Suffer for what he has done.
5 ...Acknowledge shame and remorse.
6 ...Show the offence was not personal and will not happen again.
7 ...Acknowledge there is a debt to be paid.
8 ...Give the victim the power to forgive or not to forgive.
9 ...Restore the dignity of the other at the cost of dignity of him- or herself.

"Because of all these things," Lazare concludes, "an effective apology is an act of honesty, an act of humility, an act of commitment, an act of generosity, and an act of courage."